• Chas

So Mama, You Want to Get a Divorce…

Updated: Mar 8

Well, society tells you not to even mention that word so, sorry! You’re shit out of luck and you must stay in your relationship till your child is 18. Or so I’m told by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, why she’s still on air is beyond me.

In all seriousness, or at least as much seriousness as I can personally handle, divorce can be a very tricky decision to make, especially with kids involved.

The Before

You go through life with this idea of what your life will look like, right? We paint this picture of this ideal world where we chase our dreams, find our “soulmate”, get married, have babies, and live happily ever. This trajectory of life is drilled into us as kids. Hearing it from our ancestors and elders, seeing these themes on TV, reading novels and stories that always end the way we hope they will, but that’s not how things work. Your best laid plans will almost never work the way we expect them to.

When I decided to get married, getting a divorce was something that I said multiple times to my partner at-the-time would never be apart of our story. It would never be an option… Until it was the only logical one.

Relationships are messy, they will never be picture perfect, but as we get so caught up in our emotions and feelings, we tend to overlook warning signs from both parties. We chase our dream of having this perfect story and in the moment, the person you’re with seems like the fastest way to get to that goal when you think you’re with the right person and you think happiness is something that comes and goes with life struggles.

The Middle

Sometimes it takes one situation or one circumstance to be the cause of the end, other times it’s a slow building current that builds and builds until you wake up one morning and realize you will never get back the time you put in to avoiding the inevitable. I go with the latter. Life happens and things happen constantly and if you can’t understand how to navigate the obstacles in a responsible and effective fashion, nothing will ever work out in your favor. Not even the icky parts.

Coming to terms with your new reality is a tough pill to swallow. Realizing the person you have been with was only merely a lesson in this larger plan of life is a tough pill to swallow, but guess what. You have to pick your hard and swallowing that pill, dusting yourself off, and learning your new normal is the only way to come out on top. What helped me navigate through making this decision was sitting back and watching my relationship from an “outside” perspective. Was this relationship healthy for either one of us? Was it heading in the right direction? Were we evolving together or apart? Can our issues be resolved? Are we even still in love?

The End

After looking at my relationship with all emotions removed, I realized it wasn’t right for either one of us. We were forcing something that was obviously expired. With having a kid involved there is no time to sit and dwell and mourn. You take this new found information, you make the hard decision, have the difficult talk, and move on for your kid. They’re 100% dependent on you and your mental health and there is no time to shut down and sit in self pity. You get one day to do that and that’s it, move on.

When that child goes to bed at night, cry, feel sorry for yourself, let the comments and judgments made and snide remarks wash over you and then wipe your face and go to bed. Let the rude glares at your ring finger, the insensitive questioning and endless probing from outsiders out with a few more tears, and then set your alarm, close your eyes and drift off to dreamland.

I honestly think it’s ALMOST impossible to go through a divorce unscathed. Not totally impossible, but like 99% impossible, but if I could give one piece of advice to anyone going through it, remove all emotions. Keep it black and white and businesslike. The moment emotions come into play, things get messier than they need to and it’s just annoying. Spoken like a true Aquarian, right?

Fellow Mamas,

Getting a divorce has been the best thing to ever happen to me and I mean that in the nicest way possible. This has NOTHING to do with my ex and everything to do with me. I ripped off this band-aid of me using my partner as a crutch. I have this new sense of empowerment and responsibility I never would have had otherwise. I have never felt more powerful in my life. I am extremely thankful to my partner for helping me navigate my life through my twenties but with this being my last year in my twenties, I am so motivated to make it one that propels me forward into a whole new realm of bad ass-ery.

I always thought I needed someone to help define me. I always thought I needed a partner to prove my worth, and I wasn’t wrong. I do need that person, but it’s just very different than I expected. I always thought that person would be a tall, dark and handsome drink of water who could help me reach things on the top shelf that I couldn’t reach with my short self, never did I realize it would be a 2′, 20lb villain, whose sole purpose in life is to give me gray hair and break every pair of glasses I own, but hey. We roll with the punches… literally.

If you feel like it’s the best decision, make that decision for YOU. Don’t stick around because it’s comfortable. Don’t keep waiting for them to change, they won’t, nor will you. Don’t just let life pass you by. Make those hard decisions so you can finally feel what it’s like to live again.

She’s back y’all. Happy 2020.